Intimacy and Arrogance Can’t Live Together

Have you ever met someone who was so one-sided in their perspective that all you could talk to them about was the one thing they were interested in? Someone who was so focused on their work, their art, their perspective on healing or politics or social issues, that it became exhausting to talk to them? I can’t tell you how often I run into this in my practice and life in general. 

Amma, who is one of my deepest sources of inspiration, and I paraphrase, says that arrogance is basically leaning so far in one direction that you can no longer understand, or bother to entertain, other possibilities and perspectives. It is becoming stuck in your own thoughts. On the global scale this is seen in our political polarization, in religious extremism, etc. On a personal level we see it all the time, in people who are overdeveloped in one area of life to the detriment of other aspects, or who just don’t take the time to listen because they’ve already decided what they think and feel. 

I look at this in clients also from an astrological perspective. Some clients, for example, are so Mars-y, so dominant, driven, masculine, and authoritative that all of the Venusian sides of life—romance, pleasure, relaxation, affection—are largely missing from their perspective, and consequently from their life experience. Others are heavily Ketu—very spiritually minded, boundary-less, open, and they manifest health issues like fatigue or fear because they can’t stand up to more worldly challenges.

From a spiritual perspective, life is constantly pushing us towards developing the aspects of our potential that have not yet been experienced. If we are overly spiritual, becoming worldly balances us. If we are overly social, becoming more goal-oriented balances us. If we are overly boundaried, becoming more open and relaxed balances us. If we are fence-sitting, becoming more decisive balances us.

For me personally, this has looked like learning to value human life and relationships more fully. I was so God/spirituality focused that in a way I could care less about what happened in the day to day. Now I value the daily aspects of life and I work on improving my career, home, body, and relationships each day, as much as I can. I have also learned about different subjects like wine and fashion to balance the over-austerity of my past.  Had I stayed in a life of one-pointed focus on spirituality, I would have gone deeper and deeper into imbalance. This can sound startling to those who see things hierarchically: many believe that spirituality is more important than making money, for example. What I have actually seen however is that hierarchy within our own psyche creates heavy limitations on what we are able to create in life.

When working with clients to help them attract a new experience in relationship, this inner hierarchy is a huge subject we dive into. Usually the repetitive cycle we attract in relationship shows an imbalance in us, a way that we value one aspect of life over others. If, for example, you always attract women who don’t appreciate you, and who take advantage of your generosity, there is a lesson there in really seeing your value, appreciating yourself, and learning that you should feel an equal amount coming back from a partner than you are giving out. If you don’t feel something coming back from them, you have to learn to stop giving, to wait and see if they come forward, or if it is more their nature to deplete you. For someone who is geared towards giving, this is a learning curve.

The beauty of relationship is that it will always serve to correct your imbalances if you listen to what is needed to balance the connection, and answer that call.

For one of my clients, her partner is SO generous and warm that she’s constantly having to come out of her self-centered, career-driven aloofness and give back to him, or else the relationship starts to feel strained. It is the perfect place for my client to learn to give and not just keep to herself, which is her deeply-ingrained tendency. As you can imagine, this client’s relationship would not work if she were invested in her way of being as the best way. If she couldn’t admit that her pattern was causing an issue, she would never be able to create a healthy partnership. Or healthy friendships for that matter. This is why humility is king in relationship. If you are willing to look at your imbalances, you will be rewarded with much more fulfillment in love.

Relationship is an amazing opportunity for becoming whole and correcting imbalances you didn’t even know you had. When you become more intimate with someone, even in friendship, your patterns of imbalance will show more and more. As you shift these patterns, the result is a happier, more fulfilling life where you aren’t pigeon-holed into one subject/side of yourself.

Balancing of the personal self to attract healthier relationship has happened so many times in my practice, it’s fun to think back on all of the ways. One client had to learn to come out of his highly developed intellect in order to have a more feeling experience with his partner. Another needed to stop being so independent that no one could find a way in with her. Many have had to develop self-reliance in order to attract mates who aren’t codependent. Others have had to develop self-esteem in order to stop attracting abusive or critical partners. It’s always amazing for me to witness how differently someone attracts once they’ve made these shifts to balance themselves. 

How might you know that you’re starting to become imbalanced in some way? Here are a few things that might show up that can indicate you have an imbalance/hidden arrogance to address:

~ You are attracting the same type of person/pattern in relationship.

~ You are not experiencing the level of depth and intimacy you want in friendships, intimate relationships, and otherwise.

~ You often blame others for your negative experiences.

~ You often think, “if only he/she/they could see things my way.”

~ You are frustrated financially.

These are all indicators of a “blind spot” in how you are approaching life and love.

To learn more about healing the imbalances that are causing suffering and discontent in your life, contact me for a free clarity session.