There’s no doubt about it. Breakups are deeply unsettling, evoking feelings of rawness, grief, discomfort, even existential terror. All of us long for a feeling of protection in life. The old relationship energy we were in, even if it was unhappy or unhealthy, was familiar! We knew how to rest in it and it gave a feeling of normalcy. Being torn from that familiar, cocoon-like space is very painful to our system. We don’t know how to ground easily, each step feels tentative, shaky. Life can feel very dis-regulated, unassured, and unstable.
Coming back to ourselves during these times and creating safety again is key. In this blog I’ll give you some suggestions of ways to do this effectively and ground the new you. I say the ‘new you’ because when you leave a relationship, it is like leaving an identity behind. The new identity you’ll eventually form is barely beginning, and is as vulnerable as a tiny sprout in the chilly springtime. More than just your primary relationship changes in a breakup; so does your sense of self, your identity in your community, and the direction of your future path.
The vulnerability of a breakup is so uncomfortable that you may crave returning to the old frequency purely for its familiarity. So many people end up going back to the same relationship for the sake of the known. The thing to remind yourself is, however, that the new you you are becoming, though it feels shaky and vulnerable, is the you that holds all the potential for growth. Breakups provide an opportunity to discover new aspects of yourself, and ultimately to become more than you’ve been. The pull to revert back to the previous state of consciousness is so strong, yet if you can just get through this vulnerable period, what awaits on the other side is more power, more love, and more joy than you’ve known before.
So how does one create protection, grounding, and comfort in a new, vulnerable situation? Here are a few pointers from my toolbox:
1. I would suggest grounding yourself by finding time for activities you enjoy.
Though you may not be at your maximum capacity to enjoy them, any lightheartedness you feel doing what you love doing will enhance the brightness, energy, and strength of your field, even if it’s just a little bit at a time. While you’re doing the activity you love, you’ll momentarily forget that you’re in a massive change, and these tiny moments of bliss and happiness can help to rebuild positive frequencies into your field.
Changing, unstable conditions create a lot of worry, so if you can get a break from that and remember that you’re also capable of having a good time, this will help ensure that the next version of you isn’t worried, jaded, and negatively-focused. I remember when I went through a heavy breakup and my devilishly handsome dog friend Henry put a smile on my face each week with his adorable personality. Even though I was at about 1/100th of my normal enjoyment capacity, his purity and innocense reminded me of the love and happiness in the world and slowly de-iced my heart.
2. Stay practical.
Keep your lists of things that need doing, going! If you start to lose track of the practical decisions and priorities in your life, you’ll start to feel ungrounded. When you’re ungrounded, anything you start next will get off on the wrong foot. I’ve seen this a lot, where people drop everything they need to do in order to prioritize falling in love again to beat their ex to it. This over-weights relationship and creates a delusional (not grounded in reality) feeling. Any relationship you start out of competition or for vanity’s sake is likely go astray, anyway, so let your ex take the lead!
3. Reframe your thinking about relationship.
I see relationship as matching the state of happiness that YOU yourself are able to hold. After a breakup is a great time to take stock of your current life situation. Are you happy with your friendships, community, livelihood? Do you feel passionate and inspired? Have you faced deep-seated issues from your childhood? Are you transparent and happy with yourself? So many people skip the all-important step of making themselves happy and functional first, before trying to share happiness with another person. Rather than feeling it as something that will complete you, try thinking instead of any new relationship you’ll find as adding to your already fulfilling life…like a great meal with a new added spice element that makes the other flavors pop. The meat and potatoes (your basic sense of safety, happiness, and liking yourself) are already there, and the new element will add character and complexity to your life.
4. Connect to your inner self.
Your inner self, or core essence, is the aspect of you that is constant through all of life’s changes. Like a fine wine, it grows and matures with each experience, becoming more complex and beautiful. It doesn’t care what the talk is around town, it doesn’t care how things appear on the outside or who dumped who. It’s aim is much higher. It wants the absolute best for you, and though it may be hard to see in the moment, this breakup is a part of that. You can talk to this inner divine aspect of yourself, both finding comfort in it and assuring yourself that each challenge is divinely designed to help you become more than you were before.
Relationship endings are major moments of transformation. You are more than likely in the process of shedding some massive karmic skins, and discomfort is inevitable. The more you can honor the process, tend to it, and listen to your authentic self and the voices of support instead of the voices of gossip and pettiness, the more open you’ll be to attracting a relationship of higher caliber and integrity next time.
For more information on how I help conscious people find happy relationships and personal empowerment, please contact me at nina@ninahandwerk.com to apply for a free clarity session.
