I always knew that I wanted to be in love, but I didn’t always know that I was deserving of love & could actually have it.
Let me tell you a story, about myself. Before I was with John, I went through some pretty harrowing times in partnership. I dated men who had a shiny quality, a put-together look about them. Often they were already highly developed spiritually, or highly popular in their craft, with followers of their work and a strong sense of self-confidence. These were the kinds of guys who you would take one look and be like, “wow, who is that?!” So yeah, understandably, that was my type.
The problem with my type was that they didn’t match me very well. I was young, naive, just getting going in my work, with drearily low self esteem despite my gifts in the realms of healing. It was as though I’d left myself out of the equation as the partner to these mature, spiritual, strong men. That is an odd thing to do when you’re wanting a relationship for yourself. I just figured, they look good, I want to look good too, maybe if I date them it’ll all come together for me!
When these relationships didn’t work out, I had to really look at my motivations. Why was I wanting to be with this type of person? What would it really bring to me? Why didn’t it work once I did attract them?
The answers took me some time to figure out. There were deep patterns in my childhood to look at, of being taught subconsciously that presentation is important over actual embodiment. There was my not wanting to face that I would have to make my own life happen, and couldn’t depend on someone else to show me how. There was my up-and-down self esteem fluctuations that made me an impossible partner to anyone, especially these types who had their own hidden issues there.
At the end of it all there was me having to get real with myself about what would actually be sustainable in the long run. Did I want to keep walking on eggshells and trying desperately to be someone other than myself? Did I want the perfect-looking relationship, without inner relaxation and happiness? I had exhausted that paradigm to the point where it was now the last thing that I wanted.
So I did a 180. I decided to let go of wanting someone to fulfill me or make me or my life look better. I consciously took time to myself. I worked on my self esteem and started to develop a sense that I would be fine on my own. I focused on coming forward more in my personality, my work, and I started to build a life that I could be proud of, that showed my inner wealth of Spirit in the outer world as well.
I had just started this process, had finally committed to caring about myself, and had given up on the dream of relationship.
And then, in walked John!
I wasn’t really ready for a relationship at that point, as I had finally started to get some flow of life going for myself. But, I couldn’t argue that he was a different type of person, and one who I sensed could actually be good for me, which is something that I hadn’t experienced. He had many of the qualities that I’d like in partners before, but rather than feeling myself as deficient in comparison, I felt like I had enough to match him and even add to his experience.
I tell this story because it illustrates some aspects of the path I now teach my clients. First, I had made a concerted effort to shift my inner patterns around relationship. That’s key #1 in the process of manifestation of any kind:
If you want the outcome to be different than before, you have to change how you’re approaching it, and look at how you’ve been avoiding issues or where you’ve been compromising your values too much to accommodate others.
Once I did this, Spirit matched my efforts so quickly, rewarding me before I thought I deserved it. That’s key #2:
Surrender to the divine, to the movement of life, to your heart’s deep desire, to the spontaneous and to the mystery.
This is (basically) the process I now walk my clients through in their journey to manifesting something that will support and sustain them in new ways.
When we met, John’s life was a bit of a mess. I was a bit of a work in progress. It was like meeting in the middle of a storm in some ways, both shipwrecked at sea (that’s code for Heavy Saturn Transits!). We were each paddling our brains out on little fragments of broken boats, trying to save ourselves and get to shore…and there was this other person, doing the same. So, we were a perfect mismatch. It was funny and tragic and tumultuous and impossible and yet, here we are years later, building a solid boat, both approaching things in a different way than we ever have before.
This is the type of paradigm shift that I wish for you:
May you move out of the ideals. Out of the wishful thinking, and the modes of using relationship as a compensation for something missing in yourself. Out of the self-abuse of efforting to make something work that never will, because you refuse to get real with yourself about who you are and what you need. Out of the striving for perfection before opening to love. Out of the conditioning and the broken paradigms.
Into the heart. Into Spirit. Into the mystery of love’s power to change us. Into happiness and actually having permission to enjoy your life now, as imperfect as you still may be. Into aligned actions that will move you towards who you really want to be.
I wish these these shift for you.
To learn more about how I can help you attract meaningful relationship into your life, schedule a free clarity session with me here!